Thesis Statement 12.10.12

I am focusing on memories, how they are recorded, how they are stored, and how they are recalled/remembered. I am using a collection of entries from my old online diary (Xanga) from 2007-2009, and my research on memory throughout the Fall 2012 semester. I am taking these resources out of context, stitching them together to make one, made up fantasy memory. Through research I have come to understand and believe that one never remember things as they happen, you glorify and substitute bits and pieces to get the memory you desire it to be…

Progress and Music

my blog
Some more posts and ideas... I feel momentum coming soon...

Accepting Useless Information

It is not always best to dismiss suggestions based on their seeming importance, trust that you may only be offered the tip of the iceberg and only by allowing yourself to complete the suggestion, you find yourself submerged in new and helpful information despite first impression.

my tumblr.

Thesis (again) 10.10.12

10.10.12

I am taking a close look at memory,  its production as well as dismantlement within one's lifetime, and its effects psychologically.

Essentially, I am looking at past, present, and future.  The way physical objects and  intangible ideas change, disappear, remain the same throughout our lives, i.e.; home essentials, childhood objects/toys, cars, styles of clothes, morals, mindsets, etc.  I am trying to develop a collection of projects that convey different aspects and scenarios that may occur throughout one's life and the changes he or she may need to endure both physically and mentally. Like a lesson plan with a set amount of time, our lives and memories have a set amount of space for information, so, when something is new/replaced, something old gets removed? 

1) I am most interested in the study that often, people make up events or completely remove events from their memories, but, are certain that is how things were. - When something is added into a set, something is replaced.

2) I am also interested in the notion that without the past, or introduction of new information, you cannot wish or hope for a future, or dream? 

- ie: if you are so busy you are out hanging out with friends you are care free, you are happy, and then, 6pm hits, a friend asks, 'want some dinner?' you suddenly remember that you haven't eaten since 9am and you suddenly become emaciated. STARVING! your memory allows you to plan for the future. Old people don't always remember if they ate, so then they sometimes don't eat for fear they already have (important to know if they've eaten if they are diabetic or what have you)

- or in cultural anthropology a culture can stay the same for thousands of years like the bushmen, without changing because they accept life the exact way that it is everyone is equal and nothing changes past is the same as present and future. they don't expect, they don't dwell or become nostalgic, they just simply live.... 

3) I am finally curious about the delicate balance of nostalgia and dreams... and how we can position ourselves in between in the present, what it may look like physically.

Rooms

Places I call, or once called; my safe place, my home, my room(s) from memory and observation:

[To be updated with a series of drawings.]

- I want to study memory

New Working Thesis

Documenting poetically and photographically the physical and emotional artifacts that manifest as a result of loss and the recovery process.

2012-09-24

Affectless Poetry

Here are 3 poems:

List 1

2 framed photos

2 loose portraits

132 darkroom prints

6 rolls of developed negatives

1 silk screen

12 handmade books

2 totes of art

1 nightstand

1 armoir

6 pillows

24 performance reviews from 2009-2012

1 2009 high school yearbook

1 graduation gown

1 1981 graduation tassel

1 1977 library card

1 jewelry case

peach lipgloss

pear lipgloss

strawberry lipgloss

cherry lipgloss

apricot lipgloss

grape lipgloss

List 2

1 end table

1 coffee table

2 futons

1 couch

2 desks

1 filing case

1 curling iron

1 waffle iron

1 george forman

1 toaster

1 coffee maker

1 box of envelopes

1 dorm bed

1 blacklight

1 microwave

22 empty liquor bottles

1 bottle of peach schnapps

1 bag of frozen vegetables

6 canned goods

3 boxes of pasta

1 can of cocoa

1 washer

1 dryer

1 box of detergent

2 boxes of dryer sheets

1 10g tank

1 hamster wheel

1 bag of rodent food

2 reptile leashes

1 stereo unit

1 capacitor unit

1 decorative table

34 books

15 gamecube games

42 DVDs

2 empty DVD cases

1 jewelry tree

1 toilet seat

1 bottle of pepto bismal

1 pile of receipts

2 milk crates

5 pairs of mixed footwear

1 rug

2 mats

List 3

1 2001 VW Golf

8 loads of laundry

3 comforters

4 sheet sets

1 prom dress

3 dresses

3 jackets

1 pair of snow pants

1 nikon FM10

1 Kodak Brownie

2 boxes of photopaper

1 roll of film

1 gibson sg

1 ibanez acoustic

1 fender p-squire bass

1 41' samsung tv

1 21.5' 2010 imac

1 double guitar stand

1 lavalamp

1 desk lamp

1 wireless keyboard

1 wireless mouse

1 pair of sneakers

1 pair of heels

1 pair of roxy flip flops

- Index ex maybe noun, qualifier, quantifier; (1 table, coffee; 1 table, end; 22 bottle(s), liquor, empty; 1 bottle, peach schnapps)- Alphabetical order- Dictonary of Loss?
- Dictionary, index, table of contents, footnotes. 
- Story with pictures alone

Juxtaposing Memory

My Current Car And Fragments of My Former Home

Inside My Dwelling, I Can See My Home So Far Away

A Bit of What I Lost:

- A fouton given to me by my step mom and my dad that we've had as far back as I can remember.  From Halloween night pictures from '98 to nights in college with my first love as well as other various purposes it served.- A curling iron plated with 24k gold, a gift from my step mother, we used to hardly get along, it meant a lot to me.- A Family photograph from 1994, a photo of my mother I will NEVER be able to replace, a Family I will never physically have ever again.- Vintage photos of my mother and father in the late 80s (about my age now 20s)- A cheap black bookshelf from either target or IKEA, but, it was my late step uncle Eddie's once... and a few of his trinkets and statues, now lost to the trash.- two pieces of a bedroom set (Solid cherry I believe... an armoire and night stand) which to my understanding was a wedding gift to my father and mother.)- Every piece of my original negatives and prints (photography)- A couch, a coffee table, and an end table I worked my ass off for just so I could have my first living room.- Any piece of art I made in the last three years except my portfolio which I luckily kept in my vehicle.- letters from friends who studied abroad and some letters written from the heart by an old boyfriend who served in the army... Journals and diaries too.- Trinkets and keepsakes kept in the top drawer of my nightstand since I was 3 or 4 years old... including a lipgloss set with lip gloss set in and flavored as fruit, orange, grape, cherry, strawberry, peach, and maybe one more...

There are many more things, things that I will never forget.  Each held a memory inside of it, a visual reminder of a story to tell. But, I'm learning thats all that they were, visuals of memories that no one can truly take from me. Memories of my own life, that no object can truly stand for.

To Truly Make A Home:
you must be able to have nothing, but still surround yourself with the memories you hold dear and once kept in the physical objects.

- Family  

- Love 

- Security 

- Safety 

- Independence 

- Freedom 

- Expression  

I still have all this, just not physical reminders, none of these things are physical.  The non-physical is much more descriptive, more relatable by a larger group, where the idea of home truly interconnects with everyone as these ideas become relative. The idea of calling a place home is truly poetic.


Home 002
So palpable
yet intangible.
Grand color manifests
not long after
an epic journey.
Traversing roads
looming with fog.
The greedy ground long
and consuming.

So deceivingly clear
this path on golden days.
Easy to drown,
easy for cries to escape sound.
Difficult to brave the risk,
difficult to survive the trek
time and time again.

Grand color manifests
not long after
an epic journey.

Loss Of Home

From my journal:

Homes can be destroyed by emotional conflict, insecurity, loss in any form, and nature itself. 

"one might be lost or helpless, or racked with ontological [the nature of being] anxiety; but one could try, at least, not to be obtuse." [annoyingly insensitive/blunt]

Home 001 [draft] 

As easy as we call a place our home,
The elements can wreak havoc 
remind us we have nothing at all
to find a place within ourselves
To move freely and not stake a particular claim.
To belong only to ourselves and nothing belong to us.
To not simply take her
To do so, invites her to revoke our self awarded kingdom.
mercilessly. 

Yesterday 
I was feeling rather hopeless.  This past saturday on September 15th 2012, I had to part with 90% of my possessions. I was able to keep my clothing, and linens, but I did not even want those.  They felt useless.  Everything I achieved and everything I retained ripped from my hands, my material trophies... I've learned they are all nothing. Today, Alexa shared this quote from her blog: 

"Certainly a man of understanding has lost nothing, if he has himself. What can be salvaged from the shipwreck of existence proves to be not a possession withdrawn, in whatever way, into interiority but rather the self-possession achievable through the process of self-discovery and self-appropriation."  

-What The Shipwrecked Person Is Left With, pg. 14

I'm not the first to come to this sobering conclusion, clearly. We ignore loss in our society, we replace and replace and replace. I'll never forget when we saw the infestations as we opened the dvd cases, running everywhere.  The whirlwind of the calamity and hilarity, my grandfather wanting to see them, the unavoidable tears and pain, and in the end my father and my grandfather pulling out their wallets shoving their cash into my hands. I hardly cared. I hardly wanted what I had left. I didn't even want their hugs. I wanted to wash myself away in my tears.

As I was reading my book Available Light by Clifford Geertz yesterday (Sunday) I came upon the quote at the top of the page. With that I realized that I am not the only one to lose it all. People lose things often more than once!...

Home is remembered.
When one talks about home, their dialogue is filled with memory. Memory is weightless and can be taken no matter where you go and no one can take it from you.

 "The atmosphere of this room is in solidly linked with my idea of a kitchen."
 "Memories like these contain the deepest architectural memories."

- [insert architecht's name and book title here] 

The memory of the home you had, or the places you felt home become the ideas that you take to create your own version of home, physical or not. Some ideas are universal;

- Safety
- Security
- Control/Lack Thereof
- Respect

and so forth but, others are based on individual or similar materialistic memories...

Home 001

As easy as we call a place our home, 

she can wreak havoc 

and remind us; 

That we have nothing at all

to move freely 

and not stake a particular claim.

To belong only to ourselves

within ourselves

and nothing belong to us.

To simply take her,

gluttonously,

invites her to revoke our self awarded kingdom.

Mercilessly.